confused desi.....

since my coursework got over, so i thought of clearing all my notes and stuff this weekend.....while going through some books, i came across a note that i wrote a sometime last semester...i didnt have a laptop at that time, so sometimes i used to pen my thoughts on paper....


out of a few, this one i remembered writing but forgot where i kept it in my huge piles of books and papers...i might have said something similar earlier as well, but just thought of sharing it here....

"......After my M.Sc in chemistry, I wanted to do a PhD, but was not sure from where. Most of my friends were going to US for their PhDs but I had not decided on anything about this. I qualified the Net exam and gained admission to some lab in Delhi itself. Within 2 months, I was sure of one thing, that if I remain there for some more time, then I would surely loose interest in what I liked the best and wanted to do in my life. Reaserch is something you cant do if you don’t love doing it. Am sure this is the case with most jobs, but this is something necessary if you in the research field. So, I decided to move ahead, tried for US, failed the first time and then again tried and finally came here. In India, all my frnds who had already decided on coming to US, when I was still wondering where to go, they used to say ‘India mei kuch nahi rakha hai, US chalo, wahan sab kuch hai’ (there’s nothing in India, come to US, life is there). Frankly speaking, professionally, they were right. Atleast now I don’t have to worry about using the same used test tubes and tips for my experiments in Biology, (yes in some labs in India, we have to wash our old tubes and work with them, even when we are working with biological samples), Now atleast I don’t have to wait for 6 months for my chemicals to be delivered, and don’t have to make 30 rounds of the administrative office to place an order for those chemicals or to get my own hard earned money i.e. my salary. In a way, India mei kuch nahi rakha hai (There’s nothing in India). But then, India mei hi sab kuch rakha hai (there everything in India). I don’t have to tie a Rakhi on my brother’s photograph in india, coz he is with me there. I don’t have to meet my parents online to wish them Happy Diwali in India. I don’t have check my time zone to call my friends in India on their birthdays. I may not get the facilities in my lab and my department in India that I am getting here, but surely, my life is there only. I really don’t know if I made the right decision coming here or not. When it comes to my career, coming here was the best thing to happen to me. My parents are proud of me, I can have some assurance about getting a good job, I can feel some financial security. But when I have to come to work on a diwali day, and sit at home on thanksgiving, and then celebrate Halloween when I cant even wish my brother on bhai dooj, there are doubts created in your mind about your decision of leaving your country, your family, your friends. People do PhDs in India, people get jobs there as well, So was it worth coming here, leaving your home giving your career priorities as an excuse. Atleast I am not able to answer this confusion of mine. I am being selfish thinking about my career and what I wanted to do in life. But I guess that’s the way a human is. But then I am also being selfish in thinking that I may have made the wrong decision coz I want to be with my family and not alone in this foreign land. So, that means I need both, my work and my family. But I am not sure if we can get all what we want. Sacrifices are a part of life and we can run anyway without making some. That would be a harsh word to use, in a more simple word, compromises. Even after so much thinking and writing, I am still confused. And I don’t think anybody else can clear this confusion for me. It is upto me to decide what my priorities are and what I actually want, based on the fact that I cant get everything. I think my mind would keep churning its non-ending ram kahaniyan, so its better I get back to work and keep something to ponder on for the next time...."

and beleive me, after 10 months also...though life is a bit better, i have adjusted here, my parents have adjusted back home, i am still confused.....